Boundaries, a Social Worker’s Best Friend
Boundaries:
We all struggle with boundaries. They can be tricky to set and tricky to follow through with when they are crossed. Boundaries are often set with the closest people to us which can make them an emotional minefield. As a social worker, they are often the skill I work on most within therapy or other clinical contact. Often people have a poor relationship with boundaries or they were never modeled in a healthy way for us. The following blog post will discuss some things I have learned as a person working on my own boundaries as well as in my role as a social worker and therapist.
The Good:
Boundaries are good. They help us to set limits with our emotional needs. When we can clearly communicate what we will allow or not allow, we can get our needs met. These limits also help us better understand the needs of others. To set a boundary, we can look inside to see what feels good, what makes sense, and what our wisest self tell us to be true.
Boundaries are a tool of communication; they tell you what things are okay and what are not okay for others within a relationship. While they cannot prevent conflict or misunderstandings, we can respond from a place of truth when we have set them. Following through can be really tricky but we can work from a proactive place rather than a reactive place with boundaries. It makes your future self so much happier!
The Better
Boundaries help maintain relationships. It helps us to engage with others, honor what they need, and this creates closeness. When we can listen and hold the boundaries of others, it offers a paradoxical impact which is to bring connection with others. As humans, we need connection to survive; emotionally and physically.
Boundaries can help us feel control over ourselves. When we have a better sense of control in a world where not much else is under our control, we can work less in our emotional lives. While boundaries are hard work, there is much less clean up when we are clear and specific with our needs and wants. We have to put less fires and clear up less confusion. While this doesn’t mean that someone will not try to challenge them, we can firmly repeat our boundary along with any follow through or courses of action.
The Important
When we set boundaries to help us have healthy relationships with ourselves and others, they can evolve. We can change our boundaries based on understanding ourselves better and those around us better. We can also change them when they no longer serve us or when they no longer serve the relationships in our lives. They are not set in stone.
More importantly, boundaries can be a great antidote to codependency. A lot of us in social work (myself included) struggle with people pleasing, managing the emotions of others, or even trying to change the people around us. When we are engaging in these behaviors, we are participating in codependency. Sometimes we do this to try to stay connected to others, to avoid abandonment, or even to make ourselves feel better emotionally. In the end, it creates the same experiences we are trying to avoid. It also can lead to burnout, resentment, exhaustion and other physical/mental health needs and struggles. When we set healthy boundaries with others and ourselves, we do so much less work and create a way of interacting with the world that is more settled and true.
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