Family relationships are hard!
The holiday season is sold through modern culture as a fun, generous and magical time of the year where we see family, catch up with friends, attend parties and give gifts those whose company we enjoy. What happens if this time also brings up painful memories of the past, relationships that are difficult/strained or even a reminder of those relationships not in your life? The time between November to January can be a painful reminder of difficult relationships and losses especially for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families and had to make the healthy choice to disconnect from family.
While I have been a social worker for several years, it does not mean that I am immune from my share of relationship struggles or even that I have magically healthy relationships. At this point in my own life, I don’t have relationships with several family members including both my parents and siblings. The reasons for this are complicated, long standing and have traumatic experiences at the core of them. That does not mean there is something wrong with me or even something wrong with those family members. Often trauma and difficult childhood experiences get in the way of healthy and restorative relationships. It is currently a very sad and heartbreaking experience littered with shame and pain. I share this not for the details but to let you know you are not alone in this heartbreak.
Prioritizing your own mental health is not a failure
Being distanced or estranged from a family or family members is often equated to a moral failure, some perceived spiritual default or even just being a bad person. You can hear things like, “Why can’t you let it go” or “Why can’t you just be nice for this one time or for this one family family event?” I know I heard this when I was younger and it often left me feeling shameful and that I needed to distance myself from my internal needs and feelings. It left me feeling cold, small and really lonely. I needed a lot of therapy in order to get to the spot where I can confidently state my needs and set some healthy yet firm boundaries.
I want you to know that if you decide to see your family members even if you feel pain and hurt, that is okay. I want you to know that if you say no this year because you cannot take one more minute of distance between your needs and the needs of others that is okay. If you want limited contact, that is okay too. The awesome thing about life is that you can do what you need to do for yourself and you can change your decisions the next moment. Ultimately you need to live with what you can live with today. Tomorrow can be different based on what you know to be true. Tomorrow you can make different decisions and go down a different path. Tomorrow can be better and often is better than today. These decisions do not come without real soul searching, pain, heartbreak, hope and resilience.
Even those of us who are social workers, we have different and difficult relationships. It does not de-value my worth or even my effectiveness. I think it can make me more human to share this deep vulnerability. Writing these words are not easy especially when they way I am viewed in my professional space is as a social worker but I hope they will be helpful to you to know you are not alone and it is okay to make whatever decision you need to make. Know positive vibes and love is sent your way no matter what decision you make.
